im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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