Who did Billy Mays play for?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
