Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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