She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
