This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
