Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
