she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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