you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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