never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Randomize
