"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
