How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
