3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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