I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize