That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
