His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize