dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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