I wish I could teleport
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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