i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My balls are so social today.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
