Betty ford says i'm here all night
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
