Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
