that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
