i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your cock deserves a montage
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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