I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
