Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
