so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Of course I have a pirate flag
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
