Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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