Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
