I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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