Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize