I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
