hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
