so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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