i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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