i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
did i just pee glitter
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
