I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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