Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
