I wish my penis had an off switch
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
