he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
