What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
