What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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