Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
