My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
