i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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