she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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