the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
