best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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