I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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