my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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