Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
