i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
