this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize