I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
