omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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