Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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