I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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