she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
