omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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