Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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