I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
