I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
