Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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