My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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