she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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