Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
