she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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