I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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