My liver just broke up with me...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She bit a glass in half.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
