I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
